30+25+11 Bonus Years

To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.                   - Maya Angelou 

Ms. Susan Chacko/ Ponnu/ Sr. Susan/ Mrs. Susan Thomas/ Mom/ Ponnu aunty/ Ponnu Ammamma/ Ponnu Ammachi. Loved and was loved by so many- and I am proud to say she was my mother. She was that Wonder-Woman nurse + teacher + family person who could juggle her house work with her job, take care of her kids or pets and even do as much as possible in church too. She could still find time to do stitching or some craft work, watch her favourite Hindi serials and also connect to those who she loved. As the time has come to the day she breathed her last - and went to meet her Savior- 365 days ago- I have to relieve my heart a bit to keep it pumping more to live in the way she wanted me to. 

She always had high hopes about me- patiently dealing with my struggles to make it till 10th grade (comforting me that she was also never that good in Math too!)- after which I somehow climbed the ladder and made it up once I could focus on subjects I was passionate about. She used to sit up with me each exam season, check on me at regular intervals and even make coffee for me when she knew I had to study late night. She read each word I had ever written- all my blogs, or published articles and poems. I am happy that last year she was able to see my Musical being staged and even my first ever song composition being performed on stage in the school I worked for previously. She always applauded my efforts, sending a message promptly to encourage and even kept encouraging me to write a book one day. I promise to do that for you, Mom- Deo-volente!! 

Mom was this instant cook. I never learned those traditional Kerala dishes with all the grinding and masala making from her because she knew only the short cuts!! As she had less tolerance for chili, we never even bought green chilis or Kashmiri chili powder in our home- which later became a problem for me as I married into a family from south Kerala (Well, now I can tolerate it more!!). Our breakfasts and packed lunches were almost always the same for years- chapathi and potato curry- but she had her way to make that same curry look different each time. And that was one thing I craved for the most once I moved out after marriage. 

There are people who used to get confused when they call to our landline- even more before my brother had his voice change. When either me or him said Hello from our side, the caller would mistake us for Mom always. But Mom had such a high-pitched singing voice- which stood out in any crowd- and even made people eye on her while she sang in choirs. It just stands out- without blending in. None of us could sing like her. Her voice was heard above the church choir even with their mics on. I do regret now that I could never record a song of hers as a keepsake. It would have been good to keep listening to her when I miss her the most. 

Mom's trademark was her smile and laugh- which I miss so much. Through all her chemos and treatments, those never faded away. Her will power and determination made her keep going- made her serve others even while she was sick herself- and made her come to church every single week if her body had even 20% health only. I am even thankful to the dentist who made her fake teeth in the front as accurate as possible in comparison to what she had before so we would not lose her amazing smile! A very strong memory of mine is the day she first got the biopsy report back in 2011. I was working as a teacher then in my very own Alma Mater near my home. She called and told me that the report was Positive and said she is okay. I totally broke down right there in the staff room and all the teachers around me told to rush home to be with her. As I reached, there she was, opening the door with a smile and she had to calm me down that day. 

Many know how artistic and talented she was. Even in the midst of her back problems in Seattle, she used to dance and act for programs. I remember one song about Jesus and the Samaritan woman that my Dad and Mom enacted together on many stages back then. When we went to India, though she did not perform much, she trained many kids in our Sunday School for skits, tableaus and what not. She loved stitching, craftwork and painting- thankfully a trait Daphne inherited from her more than me! Our home is filled with decor- stones, pots, wooden butterflies, pillow covers- that she painted and bedazzled by hand- spending hours even making more as gifts for others. I can't even calculate how much money we must have saved over the decades in stitching- because she did it for me, Daphne and herself always. During the Covid time, she even stitched masks. She also had a love for gardening, even though my dad was the Botany professor! Our home is surrounded by beautiful flowers, plants and trees that she nurtured and loved. She had immense love for nature and its creations- taking care of our birds, fish and dogs, too! 

Mom used to always tell how much she missed out in life- be it the fact that she lost her father at the age of 12 and the struggles her family had to make ends meet, when she could not study what she wanted yet studied and excelled in Nursing, migrated to another country or even later as a wife and mother how she sacrificed so much to save up and move back to India- not to mention how much more she missed out being invalid for majority of her life. She had a secret dream deep inside to visit Seattle again, but it could never materialize with her health constraints- and she could hardly travel for more than 20 kilometers by car for so long. It must be because of that- she always made sure me and my brother had enough - and pursued our dreams. In spite of all this- ask anyone who knew her- she never had a frown on her face. She always accepted life as it came to her- with a smile and a giggle.  

She was a person who enjoyed her driving back in Seattle. Even though she had issues with her limbs, she loved her automatic Volvo car and used to reminiscence about those days so much. I would say that was one thing she missed the most after coming back to India- driving. She was the one who encouraged me to learn it and be independent in that way too- because she knew very well how she was dependent on dad to take her to places sometimes or how difficult it was sometimes to get a ride as our home was a bit interior from the main road. Our Chrysostom Thirumeni used to say that she was his first lady driver ever, as she used to pick him from the airport or take him around in Seattle. There was a time she felt so frustrated in the more recent times and would say she would buy an auto and drive it herself as it did not need pedalling! But she knew her limitations and did her best in accepting that. 

Our Kuttapuzha Sunday School students of her times would agree with me on how strict she was- yet very caring and thoughtful, creative and resourceful. I remember some kids around my age used to ask me directly how I tolerate her, seeing her anger! But I know very well that if she had scolded anyone- it was out of genuine care- I should know that more than anyone else, right? She used to have a whole bag kept ready for any program for VBS or Sunday School- with all the costumes for Bible characters- even a wig and beard for Jesus we brought back from the US with us. I remember she even stitched a navy blue curtain for the new Parish hall- just for the use of Sunday School programs. She taught new songs every Sunday- especially the brand new Maramon Convention songs. Her passion to 'bring every child to Jesus' was so infectious and her Nursery-Beginner classes were the best! 

Mom was that iron lady behind each success of us all- Dad, me or my brother - three of us being University rank holders- Dad for his MPhil and we kids both for our Post Grad- but the ultimate trophy belonged to her. Her academic or career graph may not have skyrocketed, but if there is anyone in our home to be rewarded by God the most- it's her. All these earthly acknowledgements are nothing compared to how many souls she had touched and divine assets she had achieved. 

She was the one person who reminded Dad or even us kids about everything- somehow God made women's software like that, right? She remembered everyone's birthdays and even sent handwritten postcards to her Sunday School students and the senior citizens in our church. She used to keep a calendar in the kitchen with every occasion marked there- which she copied to the next year's calendar once she got the new one (thankfully Dad has done it this year- though he never ever bothered to look at it before!). She never had any savings as she spent it all for us- to think that Daphne has dresses from her that would fit her even for two more years is incomprehensible. Every time when I come home, I would find a stack of stuff bought or stitched for us- always kept in a cupboard downstairs ready to give. Otherwise we would go shopping together too. As she was hospitalized the last week, she told me one day that she had bought three materials for me to stitch herself in time before we leave to Chicago- which was one task she left undone- I told her not to worry about it and now I have those with me- to wear and to cherish always- her last gift for me. 

I am thankful to God for making me cancel my school trip to Mysore to suddenly come home to be with her that term break from Chennai- October 23rd, 2023. As the time has come for one year to complete, the events of that one week in the hospital keep coming back to me. How the nurses and doctors cared for her, the way we had to make her eat something even though she did not have the appetite, how they had to start oxygen support, how Daphne understood that her Ammachi is sicker than ever before yet controlled her tears, video calling my brother and family, her last Holy Qurbana and Unction in that hospital room, me being alone with her that afternoon correcting answer papers while looking at her after reading each line, how the gap between her breaths became wider, and finally no more. It's like how the Dementors come and suck the soul out of Sirius Black in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban- and suddenly Sirius stops breathing- that's the scene that comes to mind when I remember this. She found peace at the very place she helped others to do so- in the Pain and Palliative Clinic of Pushpagiri Hospital- and there were no dementors there. Hallelujah! 

My mom was a person who could never be compared to anyone- as she had created a legacy of her own. I could never match with her beauty- inside out, will power, faith, selflessness, compassion, courage and strength. She was a real iron lady- who rarely showed her emotions or even pain. The way she cared for everyone around her- her siblings and their kids, her in-laws, relatives from both sides, church members, her old students, even her auto drivers or patients and staff in the Palliative Clinic or just anyone she had been acquainted to- unbelievable. She cared for her grandfather, my dad's parents and her mother while they were sick and towards the end of their journeys. Though her health crippled her at times, her unfading smile showed everyone around her that nothing-not even Cancer- can fail you in life as long as you have unwavering faith in the Lord and His ways for you. She knew we all would be just fine- even though tears are still fresh each time I think of her- each time I see a sick person- each time I attend a funeral- or each time I cry into my pillow at night. 

She lived a full life- and none of us can complain- she got 66 BONUS years- yes- her whole life was a BIG Bonus from God. The first 30 years after being born as a blue baby with heart defects then 25 years more with her Disk degeneration issues, surgeries, headaches, backpains and paralysis and again another 11 years after first diagnosed with breast cancer, later in remission and once more diagnosed with bone cancer. There was a time before my brother's birth that Mom went into a coma because of her health issues and she had a vision that St. Peter and her late father meet her at heaven's gates and tell her that God wants to send her back to raise her son- therefore knowing the gender of her unborn child- and coming back to us for the first time. Surgeries and episodes of Paralysis later, she found a lump in her right breast which led to chemos and radiation and endless trips to the Regional Cancer Centre in Trivandrum for checkups till even two weeks before she passed away. Her attitude to life showed us all that not a moment in life is to be wasted- and to breathe each breath for our Creator. 

Ever since my brother got ordained and also married I knew her time was fast approaching. He was the reason God sent her back to us, right? But she was even given enough time to see his son till he was three and make sure we all were doing well enough in our ministry, career or family lives. We got decades more to be with her, to know her and to cherish her. She was the living, breathing testimony of how God can use someone to change lives. Mom's story has been inspirational to many- but as she used to say- she was chosen for all the hardships of life- whether it was the loss of a parent during childhood, her many health issues or her setbacks in life- to make sure we stayed close to God always. We were humbled to our knees because of her life- we were chosen to be models to others because of her prayers- we are able to testify our Lord in front of His people because of her witness. 

On 30th October, 2023 after she received the healing Holy Communion for the last time in the morning, she raised her hand in praise to our God and within a few hours breathed her last. A life lived to its fullest- happy to see her two kids grow in faith and commitment, content to see her two grandkids who she loved to pieces, satisfied to have done whatever she could with the health given to her. People used to say, when you see her smile and run around, whether in church or the hospitals she had worked in, or even at home- you could never guess that she had gone through all those trials in life. So true. Her determination to keep going and will power to pick herself up from any ditch, her glow in the midst of all darkness and aura to inspire others will be remembered till we breathe our last. 

We live each day knowing that we are one day closer to see her again- our dear Mom. 66 years is not an age to die- given the fact we live in a world with more medical facilities and treatment. But it is enough when all those 66 years have been a Mega-Bonus and a series of never-ending Blessings. Nothing is the same without her now, but at the same time, we keep living thinking how she would want us to live. If her whole life was a Bonus, so is mine and my brother's, so is our kids' too. We all are miracles because of her- striving to do justice and live righteously for our Savior this BONUS LIFE. God's Bonus never ends.